“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got”

I swore I wouldn’t go down without a fight. Until every screamed word was heard. Until every punch had been made. Until every wound had been opened and every door had been closed. So I could convince myself I had fought- I had won. Yet; here I am. Down on my knees, praying- surrendered

Bitterness had a way of sinking it’s teeth into me. Deep into my skin, burrowing a hole so deep in my heart it was hard to find a way to pull it back out. It was a poison that had spread through my veins. It drenched my soul to the very core of who I was. That same bitterness that seeped through my veins created a storm inside me. It rushed through my heart, through my mind, through my every thought. It clouded my view of life and all I had the ability to see was the past, black. I was to far removed from the hope of a very distant future. Anger had set in, dark & low. Everything was constant reminders of all that had been done to me and more importantly what I never did for myself. I’d lost control…

I’d lost control. That’s the funniest part about it all, I’d “lost control” of a life I never controlled in the first place. The only part of the fleeting, messed up, down right backwards world that I had the ability to control was the way I reacted. I wasn’t controlling that at all, the bitterness in fact was the one controlling me. I needed to let it go, I needed to be free - I needed to move on.

But what about the anger? What about the hurt and the disappointments? What was I left to do with all of that? I questioned. Walk away, licking the inflicted wounds as if they never happened? Was I supposed to let it go, as if my value was nothing worth fighting for? That my voice wasn’t meant to be heard? Wasn’t I supposed to be the one with the last word? Wasn't I supposed to finally stand up for myself?…

Then I realized bitterness was allowing someone to control me. Someone who never had the right to and certainly never deserved to in the first place. I had given far to much of my life away waiting for an answer I was never going to get. Waiting for an apology I was never going to hear. The only way I was going to climb back out of the hole my bitterness had created was by a rope of forgiveness. Not because they deserved it, but because I did.

Through it all, I've learned this: Sometimes you’re not meant to be the one with the last word, or the one with any words at all. Sometimes silence leaves behind the words & impression that are heard the loudest. Sometimes you don't have to watch a door close to know it's shut. Sometimes being better is letting go of being bitter. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't guarantee that someone else will too. Sometimes standing up for what you believe means sitting down your pride. Lastly, sometimes being the bigger person still means you might look smaller to someone else.

So I walk away, choosing not to look back at a road that was meant to stay behind me. Without a fight to be made, without a low blow to take, without a battle plan drawn out. Choosing to act with love. Not because I want to, not because I feel like it, but because it’s the only way I will truly be set free. This is how you find peace I suppose. Because the apology will never come, the fault will never be accepted and the blame will never be taken. I have to be okay with that. I have to be okay with knowing-

Forgiving isn’t excusing their behavior. Forgiving is preventing their behavoir from destroying my heart.

And with that, I have won.

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Forgive, Yes. Forget, Never.