Every year brings its wins and its losses and 2017 was surely one for the books. I have always been one who finds strength not only in my inner emotional connection but my outer physical abilities. Starting young in my life, healthy eating and daily fitness was a huge part of me for many years, and for many years a coping mechanism to get me through the tough spaces I would find myself in. And then I became a mom. It was easy at first, when he was a baby. We would spend hours, him and I, stroller and the open road. Running and laughing. Then he began to crawl, he began to walk, and he began to want to explore the world himself. I had to find a way to balance my wants, my needs and my child’s. When it was all said and done, often times my healthy lifestyle played in my mind as a want, and not a need, and therefore it fell to the back burner.

None of this for the most part probably sounds interesting and relevant, but to me it has so much connection to where I am currently in my life. Just over 2 short years into Kaiden’s life, I became very sick. For the majority of the next year, I found myself in between doctors, hospitals, tests, looking for answers and not understanding what exactly was happening to me. Then, just 2 months before my wedding, I was finally diagnosed with a rare and impactful autoimmune disease. One that would change the course of my life in many, many ways.

As I began my treatment, what would be a minimum of 18-24 months on an immunosuppressive drug, I found myself in a space I had never been in my life before. Physically weak, mentally weak, absolutely broken. The treatment wrecked havoc on my body from the inside out as I found myself battling depression, anxiety, physical limitations and fear of the unknown. I began to forget what “feeling normal” actually felt like. And worst of all, the dreams of building a family, from the moment I was diagnosed, were temporarily shattered. I had to put aside the dreams of Kaiden becoming a brother, growing to a family of four, and I all of the “plans” I had crafted for our future. So for almost two years, my dreams floated away.

As I finally came off of my treatment and found myself coming back to some sense of “normalcy” I could feel myself getting stronger again, feeling better, and most importantly dreaming about the family we had waited for. My hope was slowly coming back and I was finally feeling like myself again.

Then, we found out we were pregnant. The craziest part? I was scared. Oh the irony of many years passed and the difference it had made in my life. I was scared I wasn’t physically strong enough, that I was damaged goods, that maybe my body was just too broken. When I was pregnant with Kaiden I felt young, invincible, strong. This time I felt weak, older, and changed. So a little voice in the back of my head kept reminding me to not get excited, just yet, it was early and anything could happen.

Happen it did. As if my head was preparing my heart for something it already knew. At 8 weeks my dreams floated away again as I found out there was no heartbeat for the life and future we had built our hopes around. Miscarriage: it's a word not many like to talk about. Again, I felt broken. For all my body had been through, I felt the absolute most damaged in this moment. I was sad, I was disappointed and most importantly I was angry at myself. Like I was the cause of this. That maybe because of my sickness, maybe because of my weakness, I had somehow caused this. It took some time, and a lot of healing, but I finally found peace within myself to understand that no one and nothing was to blame. That I had to pull myself out of this, to find strength, to get up and move forward.

This unexpected loss, ironically gave me something in return - perspective: to be grateful not only for what I have, but for what could be. It also gave me perspective and understanding that taking care of myself is just as important as taking care of my family. That in order for them to be strong, I need to be strong too. Both inside and out.

So with that said - last year was about transparency, this year is about transformation. Transformation into a healthy, strong, invincible woman. One I used to see in the mirror, one who hasn't looked back at me for far too long. Changing not only for me but for Kaiden and for whatever and whoever god may place in my life. Understanding that the loss I experienced has given me a love for life I wouldn’t otherwise have, a light to know even in the darkest moments I can find my way through on the other side. Lastly, the transformation to put my needs (and some times my wants) first, knowing that I first must love myself in order to love my family in the greatest/strongest capacity possible.

Here's to a year of running with and for my dreams. Building a strong foundation, grounded on hope, love and appreciation. Stronger, resilient and most importantly TRANSFORMED.

Life, loss and loving yourself